In a Funk

Have you ever been so happy and so sad all at once? That is me.  I miss Ryker. Every Christmas song is a reminder of my life 4 years ago, and how next year it will be five years. Five Years. Wow. How does that happen? How does that much time pass? How has it been 4 years since I have held him, kissed his little hands and feet, kissed his sweet head. But yet I love this time of year, love seeing the boys so excited, love being yelled at by the almost 3 year old about how he does not like the Christmas lights turned off.

 I think I may have found a way out of my funk this morning. While I was sitting at church, I decided that I am tired of being a Utah Mormon. This is nothing to offend, it is just how it is. I live in a pretty awesome ward. We are well loved and cared for, do not get me wrong by any means. But growing up, my ward was (and they actually still are) my family. You see, living in Ohio, West Virginia, and Florida collectively, we always lived in a ward where most of the people did not have other family close by, so we literally spent most of our holidays with one another. In Utah, most families have family all around. Most do not truly understand what it is like to rely on your ward as you would your family.

So I have decided to become what I once was, a non-Utah Mormon, although living in Utah this time. I want to really get to know my neighbors, have them over for dinners, holidays even, if they are willing. The purpose of our ward is to get to know each other, to love and support each other, and I need to do that better. I tire of the mediocrity. I am tired of selfish thinking. This is the time of year to give, to push yourself out of the comfort zone and live a Christ-like life. Lilly and Ryker taught me to be everything but selfish. They taught me to love, to appreciate the small and simple moments, to give of yourself and love some more. Hence my glee in sharing a Christmas carol or book with my boys, and the reason I am happy to hold my 13 month old as he sleeps in my arms because he wants held during a nap.

We are horrible at sleep training. But I asked this question to a friend: "how can you make a little miracle cry it out?" I think of myself 15 months or so ago. I think that if you had asked me about sleep training I would have laughed at you. We nearly lost Jacob. We came very near to not having sleepless nights and not having sweet Jacob in our home or life. He is incredibly sweet. He covers his ears during any raised voices, is so patient with Collin tormenting him, and just wants loved and snuggled. Even the physical therapist commented on how sweet Jacob is. That scares me. I am scarred. After having two celestial babies, and I need a naughty so they can stay around. So I will take my lack of sleep. Holding a sweet sleeping baby is way better.

Anyways, I need to get back to stringing cranberries and popcorn. I will post a picture of our tree this week, as it is lovely, with lots of sparkly lights and come tomorrow evening ornaments, I am already in love with it (and the divine smell of pine!) And after finals this week and next, we will be hitting our baking list!